While it was terrifying to be a passenger on a bus whose driver was wearing sunglasses at night not only because, well, his driving had to be impaired by his darkened vision, but because of my rigid rules on tinted eye wear when not necessary (Not even celebrities can dodge this bullet. So you think just because you’re wearing a ball cap and sunglasses the size of deep-sea diving goggles, us mere mortals don’t recognize you? Think again.).

I’ve noticed since riding the metro that there are SO MANY (did you catch the emphasis on “so many”?) douchebags wearing sunglasses for their entire commute. I get it, some of the rails take riders out on exposed tracks. Sunglasses (on sunny or bright days) are certainly called for. Like out by the Arlington Cemetery and Reagan National Airport stops (I’m sure there are more exposed tracks throughout other parts of the metro rail system, but I write what I know-or think I know), it can get pretty fucking bright, and protective eye wear is most definitely warranted.

What is not warranted is wearing sunglasses when hurtling through underground tunnels, where there is no threat of natural lighting or brightness of any kind. Regardless, there are always a handful of assholes who just are too cool or can’t be bothered to take off their sunglasses once underground. I mean, is the arm movement used to push one’s sunglasses atop one’s head that strenuous? I don’t think so. Maybe they’re just too engrossed in a conversation with their “buddy from the DOD” on their fucking bluetooth (oh wait, there’s no reception hundreds of feet under the ground…).

I’m really not too concerned with their reasoning behind the unsuccessful attempts to looks like a VIP or a baller or whatever (unless you’re blind, and then you’re obviously waived from my scrutiny). No, it doesn’t affect me personally (you know that whole mentality: if you don’t like guns don’t get one, blah blah blah), I just think you look like a fucking idiot who probably thinks way too highly of himself/herself (For the record, it’s usually men. Shocking.).

And it’s my civic duty to give you a reality check. You’re welcome.